11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”