The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
this is so top tier i cant
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*