Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
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The Assassin.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
😂😂😂