Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
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*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em