wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Oh hi lol
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Snapes on a plane.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry