take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
You Might Also Like
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.