I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
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I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
somewhere, in an alternate universe
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer