I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
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They should invent clothes that get fat with you
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Does your wife know you’re single?
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t