me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
You Might Also Like
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.