me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
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My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
My neck, my back, my…
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet