Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
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The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not