Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
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The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
No regrets in 2018
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?