Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
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[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’m an avid indoorsman.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat