Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”