When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
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Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.