VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”