CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
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Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again