OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
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there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.