60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
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#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.