What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
You Might Also Like
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
peep davidson
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*