It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
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“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
The best plant holders?
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell