me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
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If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.