Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views