My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
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I’m crying im so happy for them
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”