To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
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[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back