*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
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You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.