Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
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When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
this could fix me
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
new year update: losing everything but weight
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother