police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.