My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
You Might Also Like
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
i’m still crying at this
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.