“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
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My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
this article brought to you by lions
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.