The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
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Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.