In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
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GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.