My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
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wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
They’re stuck in your pants?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me