(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
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The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Rooting for the overdog
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.