When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
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I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
We avoided this particular disaster