I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
You Might Also Like
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
this is the greatest thing ever
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha