Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
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Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
*skinny dips into black hole
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
This meeting could have been a cake
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?