Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
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“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.