Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
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Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.