12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
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My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Selfie
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
taking June’s advice to heart
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.