People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
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Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe