gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
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[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I just tested negative for patience.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.