Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
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I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I wish I were this cool 😂
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose