*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
moms in horror movies
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.