I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
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I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun