And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
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I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.