Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
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I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
From my Mom
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.