Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
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The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I have obtained a hat
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place