I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
You Might Also Like
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Dolls on drugs
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”