Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
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[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
men are simple creatures
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better